Experiments in Health and Wellness

by a Human In Recovery

Day 16 of June 2013 28 Days To A New Me

on June 18, 2013

The shiny, happy, joy, joy has worn off. The honeymoon is over, and the facade is wearing thin.

I’ve lost eleven pounds, and that felt really great to realize and to know, but it doesn’t seem to be enough to keep me motivated.

I stated that this month’s activity and food tracking goals are about raising my self awareness and managing the symptoms of fatigue, pain, depression, and hypomania.

Well, that has been happening, somewhat. I’ve had some break throughs, successes, failures, and growth.

It feels like all of May was rising to the mountaintop after winning what felt like a major battle, only to crest the peak and look out on the horizon and see enemy troops carpeting the valley below.

After two weeks of white knuckling my way through anxiety and not succumbing to panic, I had a significant spiritual breakthrough on Saturday, which led the way to some real intense work regarding my history and three of the most formative and significant father relationships in my life.

Last Monday I had a major episode where I let myself fall into the inertia of the depression, for one day, and didn’t move much at all in addition to major over-consumption of food. This time, Saturday was very full, active, and busy with a lot of breakthroughs, happiness and peacefulness. This led to a two hour conversation with my dad and a half an hour conversation with my uncle, which sparked an all day marathon of writing and processing of emotional and psychological issues that have driven a lot of the problems I have experienced and perpetuated in my life.

All of this factored in with current circumstantial crises and triggered apathy, pain, and fatigue which drained me of all motivation and ambition yesterday and is still asserting itself today. I feel numb and just want to sleep. I am forcing action and trying not to give the negative self-talk room to take root.

I’m not giving up or giving in, but I REALLY want to. My mood and thoughts are saying that nothing has really changed, even though I know different.

Time to get busy.

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2 responses to “Day 16 of June 2013 28 Days To A New Me

  1. purplemary54 says:

    Keep plugging at it, Kina. You are strong and beautiful.

    • Mary,
      Thank you for your encouragement and kindness. I truly appreciate you!

      I hope things are getting better in your world. I miss my computer and larger font because it hinders my checking in and seeing how you and the others are doing.

      Blessings,
      Kina

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