Experiments in Health and Wellness

by a Human In Recovery

28 Days to a New Me: Day Six – Getting stronger

on May 6, 2013

When I woke up the final time this morning (I’d woken up multiple times during the night – almost a nightly occurrence), I was on the verge of crying because of a dream I’d been having. I think it was about the grief from realizing how my own choices and inactions have cost me relationships with people whom I’ve cared about deeply and the fear of ultimately and completely losing the relationships with my children. I can’t recall the details of the dream. I probably should have journaled about it, but I let that moment pass and got on with my day.

I was hurting, especially the center of my lower back. The area where I think I herniated the disc last year. My left leg, especially the knee and ankle were singing a cereal tune: Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

I never did get to taking care of the laundry yesterday. Instead, I’d gone out to see a friend who was “hosting” a Cinco de Mayo event at a local food cart hub. Afterwards, I took my little Luna to the local department/grocery store so she could play in their on-site childcare facility while I had almost an hour to myself.

It wasn’t enough for either of us. We were both really tired, hot, and crabby by the time we got home.

I was, and am, feeling overwhelmed.

I’ve turned this little 15 minute a day commentiment to this 28 Day Challenge and have made it so much more than I intended or expected it to be. It’s what I do.

I love the skills I’m learning with doing the videos. I LOVE being engaged in developing mutually supportive and encouraging relationships with the other members in the group. I’m excited that by the end of this 28 day period I’m going to have moved a long way forward in establishing a new habit and will have actually followed through and fully engaged in ALL aspects of what I signed up for.

However, I realize that I haven’t really done something that challenged me at this level and fully engaged and stuck with it until it’s completion. At least not since I earned my H.S. Diploma from an Alternative School for Teen Moms back in 1990 – almost 23 years ago.

I finished the first term of college after that with a 4.0 and it went downhill from there.

So many different things I wanted to do and so many different responsibilities and commitments I wasn’t equipped or prepared to do, in the midst of the chaos of daily living just have consistently overwhelmed me time and time again.

I WANT to do this. I WANT the change. I WANT to use the momentum from this to propel me forward. However, the frustrations and fears keep rising up and choking me out.

I’m not going to let it take me down THIS time.

It’s 11:23 p.m. and I’m still trying to get this post written. The video is JUST now ready to go. The feelings and thoughts from the old tapes saying that I’ve somehow failed are trying to rise up. Never mind the fact that today I have accomplished the following:

  • Daily commitment to the 28 day challenge – I walked a little over 17 minutes. The goal is 15 minutes of activity.
  • Four loads of laundry sorted, sprayed, washed, dried, AND put away – Usually at least one or two loads is still waiting to be put away.
  • Meeting w/Head Start Home Visitor (and an impromptu advising session w/ME as advisor) – Usually I’m the one at a loss for how to cope and deal.
  • Online team support/encouragement given & received (ongoing) – I am the team “leader” for one of the small groups inside of the larger accountability group.
  • Head Start Policy Council Personnel Committee meeting – Approximately three hours, round-trip, for a 20 minute meeting, with my child in tow.
  • Playtime in the park (Luna “pushed” me on the swing) – Instead of rushing her home like I wanted to do, I let her play on the playground after the meeting.
  • Dishes done.
  • Child bathed.
  • Video edited and uploaded – I had to create storage room on my phone for the upload to happen, so, I also transferred all the accumulated pictures and videos from my phone.
  • Still upright – however my eyelids are drooping

I got up and got moving. I kept moving. When someone else was using the computer when I got home, I exercised patience and took care of other things. I didn’t let frustration, tiredness or anything else stop me. I did what needed to be done.

However, because I didn’t get this ONE thing done in the timely manner I wanted to and expected myself to have done, I’ve been feeling disappointed in myself.

I guess it’s time to heed my own words of encouragement that I gave to a team member when I responded to her post where she focused on not having fully achieved her goal:

You got out of bed. You committed. You put in the effort. You followed through. Perfection not required. Consistent effort equals progress – No Matter What. You progressed today and that’s what matters now and in the long run. YOU ARE A FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH!

I am all these things. I am a work in progress and I am motivated to stay in motion.

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One response to “28 Days to a New Me: Day Six – Getting stronger

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