Experiments in Health and Wellness

by a Human In Recovery

28 Days to a New Me: Day Four – May the 4th be with you

on May 4, 2013

Apparently, for some inexplicable reason, to me anyway, today is Star Wars Day. I first learned of it when I logged into the book of faces and a number of my friends had posted, May the fourth be with you. I have enjoyed the Star Wars movies, both trilogies, however, I doubt I can be considered a true “fan.” That being said, it’s kind of impossible to ignore, so, I decided to pay homage to it.

Moving on . . .

In the accountability group I’m part of for the “28 Days to a New Me,” a project with a book of the same title being released on Amazon in a couple of days, the founder and author, Robert Kennedy III, provides a short daily video, focusing on a different aspect of maintaining and following through on the commitment made for the 28 day period. My commitment is physical activity for 15 minutes each day. Other people have a variety of other commitments from eating green, reading books, intense physical training, and developing habits to overcome or manage other challenges in their lives.

Today’s video spoke about living in the world of reasons vs. the world of performance: a concept he learned about through working with a personal business coach.

The fact is that each and every one of us face challenges on a daily basis, some days (weeks, months, and years) more than others. Injury, illness, mechanical failures, grief, loss, and the list goes on . . . and on, and on, and on.

These things rise up and disrupt our flow, trash our plans, and generally seem to happen at THE. WORST. POSSIBLE. MOMENT. Especially if we have committed to doing something that is life changing for ourselves. I know because it has happened to me each and every time I have decided to take steps to get healthy –  mind, spirit, and body. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

For example: A little over a year ago I decided that the only way I was going to be able to get and stay motivated to attain more physical health was to walk the Rock ‘n Roll Half Marathon that takes place here every May. Since I didn’t have the finances to pay for my own full registration and I also wanted to do something to “pay it forward,” AND I knew I needed training and suport, I decided to join T.E.A.M. in Training, a fundraising branch of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. “We train to beat cancer!” A dear friend of mine had been going through a different form of cancer, as had an extended family member. In my mind, cancer is cancer. I realize there are a myriad forms of it and not every one is the same or has the same expected outcome. However, to me, anything I could offer to benefit cancer research in one area, has the potential to impact cancer research in other areas. At least that is my understanding.

After signing up, going to the initial meetings, and getting assigned the group I would be training with, I found out that the coach was a lady from my past who had been a significant influencer for me the first time I conciously made an effort to affect change in my life, way back in 1989. She is an amazing and beautiful soul and it just seemed like THIS. WAS. THE. THING!

Then, one morning, I was rushing my little girl out of the apartment door so I could get her to her Early Head Start program in time for me to make it to my job on time, instead of late, as had become my pattern in recent weeks. The apartment was a cluttered mess, as usual. For some reason, even though it was before Daylight Savings Time, I turned every light in the apartment out, before opening the door and without turning on the light in the entryway to our apartment. She stopped still, in front of me, quite suddenly, and I felt myself beginning to fall. I was close to what I weigh now, around 270, and she was probably about 30 – 35 lbs. I put my hand up to the short wall between the dining area and the entryway to keep myself from falling and felt something really bad happen in the center of my lower back.

I didn’t have insurance then and I still don’t, so I never got an official diagnosis. What I do know is, based on the continual symptoms I’ve had since that day, I probably herniated a disc or two. That put an end to my T.E.A.M. in Training dreams.

Now, retrospectively, I can see that the injury itself didn’t put an end to my dreams. Self-doubt and fear did.

I didn’t believe I could actually raise the money required to stay with the program before I would be on the hook for having to pay a minimum portion of the goal donations myself. I didn’t believe that I had the capability or the capacity to establish and build enough relationships with people who would pledge and donate on my behalf. I was also afraid of failing. I was afraid of failing to meet the commitment. I was afraid of failing myself. I was afraid of failing so many others the way I’d already failed so many people in my life, up to that point.

Then there was the physical fatigue and pain from the training I was being told about. I was fearful that the training would compound the fatigue and pain I already experience with the fibromyalgia.

There was also the additional expense of needing to get the kind of shoes and supports that I needed in order to train as well as a second pair I would need for the event itself. Due to my size and physical condition, I needed to go to a specialized shoe store to get shoes that fit correctly and specialzed arch support fitted to me. That first pair cost $100 and I had no idea where the money was going to come from to purchase a second pair.

All of these things were valid reasons and concerns. However, at the end of the day, the question is, “Did I do it, yes or no?”

No. Regardless of the reasons and excuses, fears and doubts, valid and invalid, I did not perform. I didn’t recommit every day to perform. I didn’t reframe my thoughts to capture the fears and doubts and wrestle them into motivation to prove them wrong. I focused on my lack and what I thought I couldn’t do, so that’s the reality I created for myself.

Last night, when I realized that there would not be anyone here to stay with my four year old so I could go walking AND that I had a busy day planned, which would challenge both of us and max out my physical, emotional, and social limits, I again started to experience those same old doubts and fears. Only this time, I posted how I was feeling in the group and got them out of my head. Then, I decided that even if I had to patchwork quilt my minimum 15 minutes of activity together today, I was going to make my commitment.

I got one response from a fellow group member:

I believe God will honor your efforts to committed and renew your strength . . . I’ll be praying for Him to make a special way.

A short while later I found out my oldest daughter would be coming to spend the night. So, when my eyes popped open, against my wishes this morning, the realization sank in over the course of about 20 minutes that I COULD go walking this morning and still get out the door on time to make it to church.

The “force” was with me.

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3 responses to “28 Days to a New Me: Day Four – May the 4th be with you

  1. […] 28 Days to a New Me: Day Four – May the 4th be with you (experimentsinhealthandfitness.wordpress.com) […]

  2. […] 28 Days to a New Me: Day Four – May the 4th be with you (experimentsinhealthandfitness.wordpress.com) […]

  3. […] 28 Days to a New Me: Day Four – May the 4th be with you (experimentsinhealthandfitness.wordpress.com) […]

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